Wednesday, March 19, 2008

****Completely New and Improved, as Version One was not Doing the Trick****


Recently, in an attempt to figure out in what direction to move this story, I printed out EVERYTHING, every article I have on my computer—all 133 pages—and sat down to make some order. My uber-talented friend, Rachel, graciously agreed to help me with this task. Rachel and I met again at Henriettas, where we feasted on soup and bread, played musical chairs with the articles and occasionally startled other patrons of the restaurant with sudden, and very loud, outbursts of laughter.

In the process, however, we noted a glaring lack. One would expect, in a story so dramatic, so moving, and so imbued with such a feeling of personal catastrophe and struggle, that our beloved Poor, Sad, Heroic Victim of Terror ® would encounter love, right? I mean, it was her single state that got her into this mess! How are my readers going to feel—after showing up week after week—when the nice, neat and appropriate happy ending does not materialize? Undoubtedly they will be confused, bitter and in need of therapy. Rachel and I both agreed that this was a serious issue that must be addressed. The World today has enough sorrows…must I add to them? I did have a moving and inspirational article I wrote about how I have now completely accepted and embraced my single state blahblahblah…and I suggested that I use that. Because that would also be a happy ending! Unfortunately, it is also kinda-sorta a bald-faced lie. As such, Rachel wisely suggested that I leave it out. Instead, we decided that honesty is the best policy.

So, as follows:

To My Dear, Gentle Readers:

I regret to inform you the Romantic Interlude and Happy Ending originally scheduled for this blog have been cancelled. Prince Charming has not yet arrived.

The bastard.

I do hope he did not get blown up by a bomb. Though it would serve him right if he did. Were he here, he would have been covered by my fabulous Poor Sad Victim of Terror Odds Reduction Protection Policy®.

But never mind that. Friends! I entreat you: do not give into despair! And if despair you must, turn to chocolate, and not to alcohol. Unlike alcohol, chocolate does not impair your driving. And quite frankly, the roads around here are bad enough as is.

Much love,

The Bombing Victim Muppet.

So now that this is clear, let us just move on, shall we?

(Oh--and a quick hat tip to Uber-Talented friend #2, Gayle--who provided her input via telephone. And who also really disliked the "I am a happy single" article. Ladies--you are wise....)

12 comments:

Ahuva said...

*hug*

kleine Maus said...

MÄDCHEN

EINE JUNGE PERSON DES SCHÖNTUENDEN GESCHLECHTS MIT EINER NEIGUNG ZU UNERGRÜNDLICHEM BENEHMEN UND ANSICHTEN, DIE EINEN BIS ZUM VERBRECHEN RASEND MACHEN.
DIE ART IST GEOGRAPISCH WEIT VERBREITET - WO IMMER MAN SUCHT, TRIFFT MAN SIE AN, UND WO IMMER MAN SIE ANTRIFFT, BEREUT MAN ES.
DAS MÄDCHEN IST DEM AUGE NICHT EIGENTLICH UNANGENEHM UND (OHNE SEIN KLAVIER UND SEINE ANSICHTEN)
DEM OHR NICHT UNERTRÄGLICH, DOCH IST ES AN ANMUT DEM REGENBOGEN DEUTLICH UNTERLEGEN, UND SEINE HÖRBARE KOMPONENTE WIRD VOM KANARIENVOGEL ÜBERTROFFEN, DER AUCH LEICHTER ZU TRANSPORTIEREN IST.

AMBROSE BIERCE

tafka PP said...

Grrr.

Gila said...

Ahuva and Tafka--corrected the article so that it says what I want it to say....

Kleine Maus--translation please?

kaylas said...

I'll see if Samson or Moshe in my office can translate the German for you.

Baila said...

Love your honesty.

QuietusLeo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
QuietusLeo said...

Love your sense of humor!
Recently, I talked to an old friend of mine who is a bachelor. For a moment I was jealous of his status and freedom. But then, I remembered that when I was single, most of my waking hours (and sleeping hours, for that matter) I was feverishly in pursuit of a mate.
I guess the message is that each stage in life has its pro's and con's.

RivkA with a capital A said...

The post "A Unit of One" (a.k.a. "I am a happy single") was quite powerful.

What do people want? That you should crawl into bed and stay there all day feeling sorry for yourself?

Life is the way it is. Live it!

Our challenges are to find the positives in whatever states we are in.

Everything has advantages and disadvantages.

Yes, there are great things about being single! (and I miss some of them!!)

But let's call a spade a spade: very few married people would prefer to be single (otherwise they would get divorced).

I know that I wouldn't trade all the headaches and heartaches of married/parental life for the single life.

I don't believe in "Prince Charming". (in fact, that image has probably messed up more than a few potential matches)

I do believe in finding that one good friend who really understands you... He's the one.

It took me 12 years to recognize someone who was there all along...

Don't wait that long!!

kleine Maus said...

Negative, not even for a toaster with golden knobs.

sparrow said...

This post made me roar laughing. Your humour is right on target. But don't give up my dear. I was 42when I married for the first time, and it was worth the wait.

Shai said...

Here's the translation of Kleine Maus's comment according to my Babylon translation program (it's a side splitter!)

WHERE ALWAYS ONE ADDICTION, ONE FINDS THEM, AND WHERE ONE ALWAYS FINDS HER/IT/THEM, ONE REGRETS IT. THE GIRL ACTUALLY IS NOT UNPLEASANT FOR THE EYE AND (WITHOUT HIS/ITS PIANO AND HIS/ITS OPINIONS) THE EAR NOT UNBEARABLE, HOWEVER IT CLEARLY WAS DEFEATED THE RAINBOW AT GRACE, AND HIS/ITS AUDIBLE COMPONENT IS SURPASSED BY THE CANARY, WHO IS TO BE ALSO TRANSPORTED MORE EASILY.