Friday, December 5, 2008

Shabbat Shalom

I have been in a really bad, depressed mood all week. As usual, it is my brain’s fault.

I was already in a not-so-good mood last week. There I was, not getting this done, not getting that done, slacking in this or that area. Frustrating, you know? Especially when one has just spent an hour perusing photos of one’s high school reunion which one did not attend because it is 1) way the hell far away and 2) it is a party, the type of thing one enjoys more in theory than in practice….anyway…and one has been reminded that one is 38 and close to being middle aged and overweight and frumpy and single and does not own her own home and has yet to do anything impressive etc etc etc.

And then I stopped myself. Why was I whining, when these were things one can do something about?! I can lose weight, if I want to. I can make myself all elegant and stylish—just like Maryam in Marrakesh—if I want to. I can find an apartment in Jerusalem and find someone to take my apartment in Tel Aviv. I can write a book. It is just a matter of Wanting and Doing and Using One’s Time Efficiently. What it is most certainly not is a matter of whining!

Thus fortified, I sat down and wrote my list of things I Was Going To Do over the course of the week. The list went as follows:

1) Start a diet and lose 1 kilo
2) Exercise every day for a minimum of 20 minutes
3) Write every day for a minimum of 30 minutes
4) Work on my book-proposal
5) Work-life balance—work no more than 55 hours for the week*
6) Start packing up my apartment and get a price quote from the movers
7) Put up signs asking for a place to rent in San Simon
* For me, a 50-55 hour work week is work-life balanced.

It is an impressive list, no? I thought so too. My brain on the other hand, was not so impressed. “You want me to work, find an apartment, get ready to move into it and write a f**king book? And you expect me to do this without chocolate? Bite me!” And then it proceeded to go off and aimlessly surf the net and daydream. If my brain had a belly button, it would be picking lint out of it.

So it has been THAT type of week. In the end, the only things I managed to do were work a zillion hours and look at some apartments. My brain may be an intractable, lazy SOB, but it is not stupid. Even it realizes that no job=cutoff of the chocolate supply and that no apartment=no place to stash the chocolate.

All in all, a stupid, wasted, depressing week.

By this morning I was feeling pretty desperate. Yeah, work is going fine and I saw a couple great apartments and one of them may work out. But maybe they will not work out and I will have to keep looking. And what about everything else? I am getting fatter by the day! And I never called Emilie the Agent to talk about my book proposal! And I am 38! What is wrong with me???? I want to do all these things…why am I not doing them? What am I going to do?

And then, I just thought--really--it just popped into my head--talk to G-d. He is there for you

And so I did. I broke out the little prayer book I carry in my wallet—the one my friend Irene’s father gave me when I was going through an observant phase. And I prayed. I do not like to be selfish when I am talking to G-d, so I asked Him to help this one find a job, that one to get pregnant and another one to find a shidduch. As for me…”I do not really know what I need, right now. But you do. And if you could send it, I would appreciate it”.

Shabbat Shalom.

11 comments:

shavuatov said...

We share the same age and some of the same concerns. My approach is to start one thing at a time, and when the first thing is going well, add another thing off the list and so on. It seems to work for me.

Good luck and Shabbat Shalom!

Rachel

Maus said...

Start a diet and loose a kilo?!, just empty your pockets and the first problem is solved.
Price quota from the movers?, thats what friends are for, rent a cart, connect it to a car and have a day of fun.

Next time you have a chat with the Big Boss you could do me a great favour, ask him to send me a farmers daughter without brothers or sisters.
The thought to part an inheritance would make me slightly uncomfortable.

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Dearest G,
eeek, I am very flattered to be thought of as elegant and stylish by you, of all people. But you know...things are not always what they seem. You see it's like this. My mother was a great beauty. I remember one day she told me that it was terrible for her when men stopped looking at her. When she stopped being that beauty. When she started being old. It was just this week that I had this realization. I was out with a male colleague (I am away from home on assignment). We had a wonderful evening, laughing and talking about meaningful things. When I got home, I looked in the mirror and I realized...that my descent has begun -- I am no longer particularly attractive. It was some how devastating for me. I now understand my mother.

Maus said...

Women phishing for complements really , really, really make me sad.

Batya said...

I found 40 tougher than 50. That may be some of the problem.

sorry never got anything from you for Havel Havelim.

Gila said...

Shavua--your approach is clearly far more sensible than mine.

Maus--regarding the Big Boss--your request is duly noted.

Maryam--never thought of that aspect of things.

Batya--one of these days I will remember to submit.

faith/emuna said...

just a thought, to combine things(being goal oriented, prayer and writing) - what ive done in certain times is keep a notebook and every nt thank G-d ( outloud and also in writing) for a minimum of 5 things (sometimes i felt i had to dig but theres always things like breathing etc) and then ask (outloud and also in writing) for help for certain things the next day. it always amazes me how many things went better then expected and how many things go well in my life when im focused on positive and focus on how G-d helps me on a daily basis. its also a written account about my worries and concerns and is intersting to look back later in life (i have things from about 10 yrs ago) and see what i blew out of proportion and what were real concerns. good luck, i pray for you too.

Maus said...

The Kilo Class is the NATO name for a Russian submarine.

Baila said...

Sometimes things are just bleak. I kinda know how you feel, although for very different reasons. I also speak to G-d. I've had these feelings enough times in my life to know that eventually we'll come out of the funk and feel better.

Leah said...

I too can relate to what you describe.

Sending you good thoughts.
I hope that this week is a better one.

Leah

Maus said...

Or a Tentacle Dress.