Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Friday Night—at a table with my friend Galia, her family, and a passel of other guests. Including a single man. Whom she no doubt expected me to try and impress. And I am sure I did…in my own, unique way.

Single Man: (offering to pour) Would you like some wine?

Me: No, thank you.

Other Guests look surprised. Apparently I should want some wine. It is a fizzy wine, in a pretty blue bottle. The bottle is lovely. I do want that. The wine I can live without.

I decide to explain.

Me: I do not like wine.

Another Guest: This is not wine. This is fizzy grape juice. (Single Man and the other guests laugh and agree).

Me: Just the same, no. Honestly, wine is wasted on me. And besides, I already have enough expensive habits; no need to add more. Like my hair. My hair is very expensive.

Single Man: Your…hair?

Me: Absolutely! No way can I maintain my hair and a taste in wine. One or the other.

Single Man looks confused.

Me: Well, first, there is the color.

Single Man A: That is not your color?

Me: (laughing) Of course not! My real color is this. [I yank out a hank of hair that has somehow avoided being tortured from nearly black into a light brown.] See?

Single Man A: (a bit taken aback) Oh…ummmm….yes. I see.

Me: And then there is the whole haircut thing. They wash your hair and get the dye out and give you a head massage and they give you tea….

Single Man: Tea?

Me: Oh yes! With nana! It is so lovely! So you sit there with your tea and the hairstylist comes up and plays with your hair a bit and makes a pronouncement as to 'what we are going to do with it today'. And then he cuts it and styles it and tells you that it is very special and will continue to be special as it grows out.

Single Man: Very nice.

Now, I will acknowledge that I probably should have stopped there and started asking him about his hobbies and doing all the other stuff one is supposed to do in order to impress a man. But I was having so much fun, and was on a complete roll and there was no stopping me at this point. And besides, he appears to be far too religious for me anyways. And right now I am kind of off the whole concept of marriage and children. So what the hell! I continued on.

Me: So this all takes hours and hours. It is not just a haircut. It is an event. And it costs bazillions of shekels. And on top of that, you have to buy gook.

Single Man: Gook?

Me: Oh, absolutely. First I put on gook to flatten my hair out, so it does not frizz. Then I put on this other gook to poof it back out again and make my hair springy and curly. Anyway, so between the color and haircut and the gooks and the head massage and the slightly campy hairstylist and the tea with nana, why…I think I spent 600 shekels the last time I got my hair done.

Single Man: (appalled) Six hundred shekels??? Well, it is a lot easier for us guys.

Me: Right. Not nearly as complicated. Just go in, and get it cut.

Single Man: Exactly.

Me: Well, there you go. That is why men need to drink.

Single Man: Wow….you may be right.

If I am not mistaken, Single Man drank several glasses of wine that night.


Tzipporah said...

OMG laughing so hard!

thanks, Gila!

Ahuva said...

I love you... That was awesome; thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

Speaking as a representative of men everywhere, thank you for finally explaining to us what goes on in those salons!

Ari said...

For 600 shekels, you should get a choice of tea or wine to drink at the salon. Or dye with a wine base. Just sayin'.

Maus said...

What is gook?

e.e. said...

Well, maybe the shidduch wasn't too successful, but at least the evening was entertaining...
Me, I like to look at the ladies with silver tinsel in their hair, sitting outside and smoking (in the old days, you used to be allowed to smoke in the salons, nowadays, you gotta be embarrassed outside...)

TalTalK said...

One of your funniest posts EVER! Nice.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

That was a cool one, indeed. Thanks for sharing the joy ;-)

sparrow said...

I am creased over in a nice fold laughing at this post. And if you saw the size of my stomach, you would realise this is QUITE an achievement.

Mia said...

That's so funny.

Asher said...

giving Gila a man to play with is like a cat with a mouse