Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Answer To All My Problems

Tonight, I spoke with one of my friends back in the Old Country. In the course of our conversation, I got updates on what all the people I used to know were up to. I like to do this every so often as the quantity of random details I can collect via Facebook about people I have been out of contact with for a decade or more is woefully insufficient. I mean, I need that detail. In particular, I need the catty gossip and snarky commentary that, for some odd reason, people generally do not include in their status updates. I mean, Carrie might report in her status how happy she is that her brother got married, but will she also report that she hates her new sister-in-law because the sister-in-law is a controlling twat? Of COURSE not! For that, you need to talk to Carrie or one of her friends.

Anyway, one person I used to know just got married. Rudimentary details were on Facebook.

Old Friend: She must be gorgeous.

Me: From what I can see, she is normal. I mean, pretty, but not like a model.

Old Friend: Really??!! (Rather shocked because said person is 1) hot 2) smart and 3) very aware of his market value)

Me: Oh, but she is a professional dancer. (This I had learned from Old Friend #2). So she has the whole, exotic lifestyle/ glamorous career thing going on. That gives her major points—she does not have to be nearly as attractive. Fuck, she can look, sound and smell like Jabba the Hut and get a guy. Because she is not some ordinary shmo. She is a dancer. An artist.

Old Friend: [reverently] An aaaarrrrtist.

And that is when it hit me! I am single because I am an accountant. Do not get me wrong, I love my job, but even I have to admit that it is scores rather low on the "glamour" scale. Based on the above equation, in order to offset my profession's high "boring" rating and the associated negative points, I need to be drop-dead gorgeous in order to get a guy. And I'm…well…not.

It is a problem. But it is a problem that can be solved.

All I have to do is to enter a more glamorous profession. Something with enough bonus points to make me attractive overall. At first, I thought about how I could do this with my current profession—you know, make accounting more creative—but could not come up with anything that would not involve heavy penalties and jail time. Then, it came to me: Gila, you write!

Well then, that is easy enough. I am going to write a book. This will solve all of my problems.

My book will be a literary masterpiece. It will have two covers and loads of pages with words on them. On the back cover or maybe one of the final pages—I have not decided yet—there will be a photo of me looking intelligent and sexy and writer-like and a brief biography which will highlight my creative, glamorous, artistic, bohemian spirit. I even have a name for my book: The Amazing Adventures of Roxie the Diet. It will feature such titillating and dramatic chapters as: The Birth of Roxie, Roxie Cooks, Roxie Goes Jogging and Roxie's Revenge. It will have an end, in which I take Roxie out and smash her with a hammer. Or smother her with some pastries from Naaman.

A writer. An author. An aaaarrrrtist.

I am SO excited! Glamour points are all within reach.

Do not worry. When I am a glamorous, exciting author pursued by zillions of eligible men, I will remember you, the little people, who got me started.


Tzipporah said...

And I will buy your book! Really!

Or you could just say you're a "forensic accountant" and let them wonder what that means. Imply something very CSI-ish. :)

Sandy said...

Delurking to tell you that I would totally buy that book! I'm an accountant too and solved the problem by marrying a fellow about a snooze fest! We are so boring that we can put each other to sleep! Love your blog!

Viennetian said...

Accountant here too!!

I will get all your Roxy books - even though you already gave away she will be slaughtered in the end!

RivkA with a capital A said...

So, I thought about it.... to no avail. I couldn't think of a way to make accounting sound interesting either. ;-)

Judy said...

why not write a book called My Shrapnel? I may be rather odd, but it sounds a lot more interesting than Roxy....

Ahuva said...

So how is old Roxie doing anyway?

Anonymous said...

Roxie is fine my dear.
How's Ali?