Or maybe not, and I am going to hell.
Right then. Onwards!
So, imagine, if you will, the following scenario…. You are a single woman, mid-to-late 30’s and up. One Saturday night, you go to a party. There, you meet a single man. He is your age. He is attractive. He is both intelligent and interesting. Said man pursues a conversation with you. The conversation is deep and meaningful. Furthermore, the man is flirtatious and appears to be quite taken with you. Perhaps he even asks for your number. The next day he looks you up on Facebook or sends you a text message. Over the course of the next few weeks, he continues to correspond and to flirt. You run into him at a Shabbat meal and he seems delighted to see you. You find yourself getting a bit excited. A nice man! Interested in you! You keep on waiting for him to make a move. It never happens. You are confused. He is a grown man—not a 20 year old. He is clearly not shy. You are giving off the “I am interested” signals. What is the hold-up?
You want answers. You call up the hostess of that original party.
“So….what’s his story?” you ask.
“Well….” And then she pauses, and you know what the answer is going to be. Indeed, instead of the answer being: ‘a great guy’, ‘single’, ‘dating’, ‘gay’, ‘too young/old for you’, ‘too religious/secular for you’, ‘a loser’, ‘a commitment-phobe’, ‘has major issue-im’ (Hebrish for “issues”), “will not be able to put up with your major issue-im”, ‘looking for a Barbie doll’, ‘looking for a mother’, ‘a player’ or any other description that one can apply to a heterosexual male…the answer is: “I have no idea.”
Allow me, Ladies and Gentlemen, to introduce you to the third gender: the What’s-His-Story. Unlike male and female, which flourish everywhere, the what’s-his-story are more likely to be found in areas with active Jewish dating pools. The what’s-his-story may or may not be heterosexual. The what’s-his-story may or may not be homosexual. The what’s-his-story may or may not be asexual.
Confused? Yes, well, we all are. That is the point.
The savvy reader, the reader who has spent some time in the world of Jewish singles, will immediately ask: what is the difference between the what’s-his-story and ‘the player’ and ‘the commitment-phobe’? There are two key differences—two things that the commitment-phobe and the player have that the what’s-his-story does not. The first is empirical data—a track record. Unlike the player or the commitment-phobe, both of whom are known for their love ‘em and leave ‘em approach to dating, no one has ever known the what’s-his-story to have loved or left anyone. The what’s-his-story may have vague stories about this or that relationship …but…strangely enough, even within the gossip-rich swamp that is the Jewish singles community, no one has ever known the what’s-his-story to be in an actual relationship with anyone, of any sex. No one has ever seen or heard of what’s-his-story being even remotely physically intimate with anyone, of any sex. Apart from the flirting, the what’s-his-story never displays any romantic interest in anyone, of any sex.
The second thing missing is passion. Both the player and the commitment phobe gives off vibes—straight or gay as per his orientation. But what’s-his-story gives off no vibes. No straight vibes. No gay vibes. No blended gay/straight vibes (a’la the bi- or metro-sexual). There is no passion, no hunger. Even when the what’s-his-story flirts, the exchanges are superficial, as if a mask is being donned and a role played.
You see? Nu, what the fuck is his story?
Everyone has their pet theory. I polled some of my friends—here is what they came up with.
- They are gay and are extremely closeted.
- They are gay and in some serious denial.
- They really are asexual and are in serious denial about that.
- They have such serious commitment issues that even the idea of hitting date number two is traumatic for them.
- Freaked out by the thought of growing older, they have decided to deny the passing of the years by continuing to act like 20 year olds in their relations with the opposite sex. (This arrested development may or may not extend to other areas of their lives). (courtesy of Teddy)
- They are serial killers who prefer to have anonymous sex with sex-workers, who they then kill and eat. (courtesy of katrinayellow)
So, as you can see, there are no easy answers. Hell, there are no answers at all. All I can offer is a warning. Women (and in particular women who are sex workers) beware!
And as for you, the what’s-his-story…. Please, give us women a break. The dating world is tough enough. Our emotions are raw enough. As much as you might wish to deny the passing of the years, the truth is that you not “guys”. You are not 20. Like it or not, you are grown men and as such, your behavior is neither appropriate nor charming. Enough! Figure out what you are and what, if anything, you want to screw and/or have a relationship with, and then go flirt with that.