Saturday, March 7, 2009

More Shabbos Adventuring

Last night, my friend Galia had me over once again for Shabbat dinner. There was only one other guest. Her husband (who was probably not trying to set me up) had invited one of his friends. A nice, normal, Modern Orthodox British guy. I like British guys. They tend to come complete with a manners and a sense of a propriety. It makes them that much more fun to play with.

Apart from a little ranting by me about Mordechai and my opinion of him (not so high) I made it through the meal without disaster. Until dessert. During dessert we started talking about certain gods of British television: Dr. Who and Monty Python. And Galia –and I do want to emphasize that it was she who mentioned this , and she has known me long enough than to give me quite this wide an opening—mentioned that she had recently seen a Dr. Who spinoff—Torchwood—which she found interesting, if rather risqué. If I understood her correctly, the show is basically comprised of the Torchwood team, headed by Captain Jack Harkness, travelling through time, adventuring, fighting crime or whatever it is that they do and having sex with everything that moves. Men, women, aliens—does not matter. Everyone’s sexuality is quite unclear.

If G-d did not want me to use this opening, He would not have directed Galia to provide it.

Me: Wow! That sounds a lot like Katamon!

Everyone looked confused. I decide to explain.

Me: You know—the whole wacked out gender/sexuality thing. Around here, we seem to have three genders. Male, Female and …neuter? Asexual?

Now, I would have continued to build upon this point, were it not for Galia making frantic hand motions as a means of communicating to me that I was to stop Right Now. And I did, until after dinner. Galia, British-Guy-Guest and I were standing in the kitchen and I decided that, seeing that we were no longer seated at a Shabbos Table, it was a good time to bring the matter up again. I pointed out that Data from Star Trek was asexual (androids are by definition, no?) and the Torchwood gang probably would have no problem sleeping with Data—so does asexual then count as a sort of sexuality? I asked him if men have the same conversations about women and their sexuality or lack of same that we women have in respect to men. I think it is fair to say that he was thoroughly traumatized by the time he left and will require a night of heavy drinking to get back to normal. But Baruch Hashem, Purim is right around the corner; he should be right as rain in no time. In fact, I would not be a bit surprised if, thanks to our conversation, he drinks even more than usual and really and truly gets to the point where he cannot differentiate between Mordechai and Haman . If that happens, it means that I performed a mitzvah and that means I get divine brownie points. Do you suppose that G-d will let me cash them in for that friend-with-benefits I asked Him for at Rosh Hashana?

Yeah. You are right. Probably not.

In a related note, Galia is now swearing that she is not going to have me over any more, because I scare all her guests. And that she is going to find some nice, demure friends. She is bluffing. I mean—how boring would that be?

9 comments:

cba said...

How could anyone not love you??!! You're the greatest thing since sliced bread! (The good kind: pumpernickel, or multigrain with all those yummy seeds on top and a terrific crunchy crust.)

e.e said...

Aha, Gila is up to her tricks again, shocking the monkey...
If Galia's friends are scared by you, that's their problem.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for some time now and I love it. I'm also rooting for you. But these shabbos "adventures" you describe--in which you make some guy feel uncomfortable--- just come across as soo bitter--and not particularly witty-- on your part (and your past blogs have shown that you can indeed be witty). Do you even think you might be interested in these guys? And if so, why not give them a chance instead of scaring them so they can't you reject you first? You might not intend it--but these never come across as funny to me....they are just sad.

Yeah, I know --everyone is going to respond that it's just humor, i'm missing your point, over analyzing etc. etc...

As an avid reader and fan of your stuff, however, i'm just throwing my 2 cents in on how your tone is being potrayed to one who has not had the pleasure of meeting you in person.

And i do live in katamon, so i get it.

Gila said...

CBA--will make sure to let Galia know. :)

ee--ibid!

Anon--point well made and hopefully well-taken. And several of my close friends would probably agree with you (Galia is one of them). A couple things to point out.... First,I do employ some amount exageration in my write-ups, insofar as I leave out the more normal bits of conversation. I overstate both my looniness and my target's trauma. What you are reading is not exactly what happened. Second, the guys in each of the adventures are religious. I am not. Nor am I necessarily at a point where I am that interested in changing my life over to get a guy. Several years ago--sure.... I was even more observant several years ago. Alas, no one was interested in setting me up a few years ago. And now--the ship has sailed--I am simply too tired/burned out to care. So no, I am not interested in these guys.

Third--This is who I am. Funny. Sarcastic. A bit caustic. And yes, at times a bit bitter. That is the package available. This is how I deal with everything--from bombings to cancer to an autism spectrum disorder to years of being pretty well ignored by the opposite sex. It may not be perfect and it may strike people the wrong way from time to time. Nonetheless, for all of its faults, my style and worldview has seen me through quite a bit and I am going to stick with it.

Finally--as I told Galia when she made a similar comment on Friday: the guy for me-if there is a guy for me...and I do not assume that there is- will not be scared.

cba said...

"the guy for me... will not be scared"

You said it, girl!

P.S. My verification this time is "exuachl" which looks so... Aztec. I love it.

RivkA with a capital A said...

"my style and worldview has seen me through quite a bit and I am going to stick with it." -- I'm with you on this one!!

"....the guy for me...will not be scared." -- LOL! So true!!

RivkA with a capital A said...

"my style and worldview has seen me through quite a bit and I am going to stick with it." -- I'm with you on this one!!

"....the guy for me...will not be scared." -- LOL! So true!!

Tzipporah said...

ooh! If only you didn't live so far away! I'd totally set you up with my brother-in-law.

Even though he's only 30.

And doesn't really date Jewish women. (Not sure he actually knows any outside the family)

And probably wouldn't appreciate being set up.

It would jsut be cool to have you as a SIL. :)

Ahuva said...

Ummm, excuse me, but Data was absolutely male. Don't you remember the episode where he made the comment about being "fully functional" and slept with Tasha Yar? Humph.