Last night, my friend Galia had me over once again for Shabbat dinner. There was only one other guest. Her husband (who was probably not trying to set me up) had invited one of his friends. A nice, normal, Modern Orthodox British guy. I like British guys. They tend to come complete with a manners and a sense of a propriety. It makes them that much more fun to play with.
Apart from a little ranting by me about Mordechai and my opinion of him (not so high) I made it through the meal without disaster. Until dessert. During dessert we started talking about certain gods of British television: Dr. Who and Monty Python. And Galia –and I do want to emphasize that it was she who mentioned this , and she has known me long enough than to give me quite this wide an opening—mentioned that she had recently seen a Dr. Who spinoff—Torchwood—which she found interesting, if rather risqué. If I understood her correctly, the show is basically comprised of the Torchwood team, headed by Captain Jack Harkness, travelling through time, adventuring, fighting crime or whatever it is that they do and having sex with everything that moves. Men, women, aliens—does not matter. Everyone’s sexuality is quite unclear.
If G-d did not want me to use this opening, He would not have directed Galia to provide it.
Me: Wow! That sounds a lot like Katamon!
Everyone looked confused. I decide to explain.
Me: You know—the whole wacked out gender/sexuality thing. Around here, we seem to have three genders. Male, Female and …neuter? Asexual?
Now, I would have continued to build upon this point, were it not for Galia making frantic hand motions as a means of communicating to me that I was to stop Right Now. And I did, until after dinner. Galia, British-Guy-Guest and I were standing in the kitchen and I decided that, seeing that we were no longer seated at a Shabbos Table, it was a good time to bring the matter up again. I pointed out that Data from Star Trek was asexual (androids are by definition, no?) and the Torchwood gang probably would have no problem sleeping with Data—so does asexual then count as a sort of sexuality? I asked him if men have the same conversations about women and their sexuality or lack of same that we women have in respect to men. I think it is fair to say that he was thoroughly traumatized by the time he left and will require a night of heavy drinking to get back to normal. But Baruch Hashem, Purim is right around the corner; he should be right as rain in no time. In fact, I would not be a bit surprised if, thanks to our conversation, he drinks even more than usual and really and truly gets to the point where he cannot differentiate between Mordechai and Haman . If that happens, it means that I performed a mitzvah and that means I get divine brownie points. Do you suppose that G-d will let me cash them in for that friend-with-benefits I asked Him for at Rosh Hashana?
Yeah. You are right. Probably not.
In a related note, Galia is now swearing that she is not going to have me over any more, because I scare all her guests. And that she is going to find some nice, demure friends. She is bluffing. I mean—how boring would that be?