Saturday, April 4, 2009

Revising My Goals

Remember my New Year resolutions? Well, I am having a problem with one of them.

As some background, I should explain my goal-setting method. Any goal must fit certain criteria to make it onto my list of resolutions. As follows:

1) The goal must be clear and identifiable. This is harder than it sounds. We all have general, amorphous goals: being a better person, being a better friend and so on. But …what does that mean? If you do not know where you are going, it is pretty hard to get there.
2) The path has to be tangible. What specific things can I do to get from A to B? Sometimes, the answer is "not a damn thing—you are fucked". In such cases, saying "I want to achieve X" does not constitute a goal. Rather, it is a wish.
3) The goal must include a time frame. Otherwise, there is nothing to stop me from just eternally procrastinating on making any progress towards reaching the goal. I mean, I will do that in any case. But with a time frame, I will feel guilty, as I should.
4) There must be a way to measure progress and ultimate achievement of the goal.
5) Finally, and most importantly, the goal must be achievable. Challenging myself is fine. Setting myself up for failure is less fine.

Anyway, I have been doing some heavy thinking recently and have come to the conclusion that I have a problem with goal number four: "Get in Shape/Make Myself Hot". Just so you know, this goal is a subsidiary goal to the larger "Have a Proper Mid-Life Crisis" goal.

What, you might ask, could possibly be the problem with this goal? Let us evaluate it, shall we?

1) The goal is identifiable. To me, getting in shape and making myself hot primarily entails losing a shitload of weight.
2) The path is tangible. If I eat less, eat healthier and/or lower calorie foods and work out more, I will drop the poundage.
3) I have a specific time frame. My midlife-crisis is scheduled for when I hit 40, September 2010. So I definitely have to be in shape and a hottie by then. (As an aside, can I tell you how much I hate the word "hottie"? Especially when it is used by ostensibly heterosexual, grown men to refer to themselves? What the fuck is up with that?)
4) Progress is measurable. Interim progress is measured as pounds dropped. Final goal achievement—achieving hotness—is measured by all the men that I ever liked and that ever passed me over in favor of my friends and/or other women (roughly defined as 99.99% of the men I have ever liked) being filled with regret and crushing despair because they missed on such a great opportunity.

The problem, of course is that the ultimate goal is not that achievable. Out of the pool of men described above….

1) Some are complete what's-his-stories
2) A few have since come out of the closet
3) Several are married. Even if they WERE stricken with regret, they can hardly tell me about it. And if they cannot tell me, well then, it is hardly measurable, is it?
4) A good number of them live in the US and it would require an inordinate amount work to track them down and visit them so that they could properly appreciate just how hot I have become. Especially when one considers that many of these guys may well fall into categories one, two and three.

In short, I realized that I needed to do some tweaking. So I have. Interim progress is still measured as pounds dropped. Final goal achievement—achieving hotness—is measured by being able to wear completely age-inappropriate clothing. (And no, wearing age-inappropriate clothing is not something I can do now. As my friend put it, when I was looking at one of her shirts that would qualify as such "I think one of your boobs would fit in there").

I must say—and I do believe that you will agree with me on this--that when it comes to setting goals, I completely rock. Not only is my new measurement factor EMINENTLY achievable (especially in this country, tacky, age-inappropriate clothing central), it also ties in beautifully with the "Have a Proper Mid-Life Crisis" parent goal AND with my wish to make up for all the wildness I did not engage in during my youth.

I will make sure to keep you posted on my progress.


RivkA with a capital A said...

Gila -- you make me laugh!!

Ahhhh the desire to lose wait.... it's not just a singles thing....

My daughter is doing her "avodat shorashim" and took out my wedding album. I was horrified to realize that I must be twice the size I was when I got married. How does that happen???

RivkA with a capital A said...

And don't think the weight thing doesn't matter just because I'm married.

That is just BS.