Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Inspiring Ass of Elmer

First, a disclaimer. Elmer does not exist. No—that is not right. Elmer does exist. He is just not Elmer. “Elmer” is what I am calling Elmer in place of using Elmer’s name. This is so that you will not know who Elmer is. So if you know an actual Elmer—and in particular if you know one in Jerusalem—and you read this post and you think “is she BLIND???? Elmer’s ass is butt ugly!”, please note the following:

1) I am not talking about Elmer.
2) I do not even know Elmer.
3) I completely agree with you about Elmer’s ass. An ass that large is a Crime Against Nature. Or Humanity. Or both.

I hope that this clarifies matters.

A few weeks ago, in an effort to resuscitate Roxie, my by-then neglected and depressed-to-the-point-of-suicidal-thoughts diet, I joined a diet support group. Last week, the group leader gave us an assignment. Each of us was to come up with positive mantras about NOT eating that we could use to counter-act the negative mantras we use to justify eating. So, for example, if you tell yourself “I need this” to justify eating chocolate, you start saying “I do not need this”. Clever, no? Anyway, I thought and thought and thought, and eventually I came up with two mantras of my very own. The first one is “it’s only six months”, because the group ends in six months. And then I can eat whatever I want. The second one is “if you lose weight, and become really hot, maybe you will have the opportunity to become better acquainted with Elmer’s ass”. Elmer being, in my humble opinion, the owner of what may be the best ass in Jerusalem.

[As an aside--just in case any of you have any concerns in respect to my virtue, you will be happy to note that my virtue, such as it may be, is perfectly safe. Unfortunately.]

Right, so those are my mantras, and I am quite pleased with them. I decided to share them with my friend Katrina Yellow (AKA Kat, the exercise Nazi). Not surprisingly, she was not particularly enthused with mantra number one. “DUDE! This is a lifetime change! Not just six months! Otherwise you are just going to get fat again!” The second mantra, however, she likes very much. In fact, she likes it so much that she has taken to screaming it at me, at the top of her lungs, while we are running. “PUSH IT! THINK ABOUT ELMER’S ASS!” And try as I might, I cannot get her to stop. What Kat does not seem to understand is just how small Jerusalem is. Those of you not familiar with Jerusalem, might think that it is a big city. We have half a million inhabitants. But as anyone who has lived here can tell you, Jerusalem is really a small town. Think of it as a Kibbutz whose steroid use has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Everyone seems to know or know of everyone else. So it is only a matter of time before someone who knows Elmer hears us and then goes back to Elmer and tells him that some madwoman in the San Simon park was running around and hollering about his ass. And then I will have to die of embarrassment. And if that is going to be my end, I may as well have the chocolate, no?

Ahhh well...it is only six months.


13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Gila,

Now I have one more reason to sit around in San Simon park!

Mia said...

You can use my mantra: "Yum, this lettuce tastes like chocolate"
... or you can vary it a little to: "mmm this dry diet bread with tastless 0% cheese reminds me of Elmers butt, Yum"

SnoopyTheGoon said...

Elmer or not, do not give up chocolate on no account. I wouldn't.

Mia said...

Oh and you don't have to give up chocolate to loose weight just not eat it all day.

Katherine said...

you moan, but thinking about elmer's ass got you up those stairs twice! clearly it's very motivational!

Tzipporah said...

Dark chocolate. Little to no sugar.

Also, yes, it is a small town, and everyone is your nosy neighbor. ;)

gamzoo said...

Hilarious :)

LittleBenny said...

Gila,

Elmer's ass may be indeed be nice, but Elmer may one day lose his nice ass and have a bigger one than you can imagine. Or maybe it's just very hairy, and has ass acne all over it. Let's not put Elmer (or his ass) on a pedestal. Just sayin...

As for me, my once nice ass is now surrounded by an encroaching belly and spare tire, which sort of ruins the ass-appeal it once had. ~sigh~ It's not just women who deal with this crap, it's us single guys, too!

What I do is this: I workout, diet down, promptly gain back the weight and then repeat process. It's just really fun, and keeps me on my toes. It also makes me one of those "What's up with him" guys you blogged about earlier. Well, maybe not that bad, because I don't flirt...I just withdraw, because I'm really one of those "afraid of commitment" types who hates crowds. Or am I one of the "afraid of being rejected" ones. I dunno.

Anyhoo, my "Elmer" is currently some shiksa in the gym who I have no desire to talk to, much less date...but her ass is quite nice and gets me to go to the gym. I have no idea why I'm telling you this, I'm just bored. :-)

Keep blogging, this is your calling!

LB

aliyah06 said...

Elmer's Ass is the key! In my misspent youth, I knew an Elmer...and I wanted him to notice me. 25 pounds later, he did. He turned out to be a disaster but the best thing was that I lost the weight and it stayed off until I got married and pregnant many years later.

Keep focused on Elmer. Believe me, chocolate tastes like chocolate and lettuce will never taste like chocolate.

sparrow said...

Dark chocolate, providing it is over 70% pure cacao is really good for you.

RivkA with a capital A said...

LOL!!!

I gotta come up with some of those mantras....

Mo-ha-med said...

Gila, that was awesome!!!
Oh, I so wish I could hear someone yell "think about Elmer's ass!!!" in a park!
But for us to judge whether it is indeed the best ass in Jerusalem -- that is, the three of us who still don't know who Elmer is -- a photo is in order.

Otherwise - Same as RivkA. I need to get me one of these mantras.
Unfortunately, my girlfriend is kind enough to tell me that my belly 'is cute and sexy' which is rather conducive to, well, becoming more cute and sexy.... ugh.

Commenter Abbi said...

I also reccommend dark chocolate- 1 row (four sqares) is 100 calories.

Elite also makes 92 calorie choc. bars in milk and dark.

1 regular min choc. bar (like from those bags) is also around 100 calories.

Energy also makes 100 calorie granola bars with a thin choc coating. Diet choc. puddings are another option.

I'm the mistress of diet choc. options! I have one once a day and I've lost 6 kilo since pesach (uh, i've done other things as well)

In short, try to find susbstitutes so you don't feel deprived.

I'll leave you with an absolutely awesome low fat chocolate pumpkin cake recipe that my kids love. http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/choc_pumpkin_bundt.html

You can probably find canned pumpkin at Super Hamoshava.

Lettuce is not chocolate!