Sunday, July 19, 2009

Will You Marry Me? No? Fuck. Have to Go Shopping Then.

For some time now—in fact, ever since I moved into my apartment in December—I have been trying to buy a couch. Despite the fact that I have a good job and despite the fact that I have money that I put aside to buy furniture and despite the fact that I live spitting distance from approximately five trillion furniture stores, I have not yet managed to do so.

This is not my fault. This is my stupid brain's fault.

I mean, I have tried to deal with the situation. I have tried to go shopping. The problem is that the moment I enter the furniture store, my brain starts to go apeshit. "Oy gevalt! Gila, these prices are so high! You can get a perfectly good couch second-hand. Look at Sarah's couches! Gorgeous! And she only paid NIS 2000! And you are going to pay NIS 6000 for a new couch? Are you insane? You think money grows on trees?"

My brain is right. Of course I should be buying second hand! So I leave the store and go home and log onto Yad Stayim or Janglo and do a search for couches and come up with a bazillion listings. At which point I am immediately freaked out by the very prospect of having to call all these people up and make appointments to see all of their couches and then drive all over Jerusalem checking out all their couches and then having to decide what couch to buy and then having to arrange for a mover to transport the couch and coordinate with the buyer to pick it up. And so on and so forth So then I tell myself "Gila, what do you need a couch for? You have Kayla's old chair and your rocking chair. Both are comfortable. You are one person. How many comfortable places to sit does one person need? This is an awful lot of work. Do you really want to do this much work? Do you have time to do this much work? Is this really that urgent? Can this wait a week or two?" And, of course, the answers to the last four questions are: no, no, no and hell yes. So I log off and tell myself that I will start to look next week. If I have time.

This has been going on for eight months now. And while I continue to be fine with my current seating arrangements (one person can do quite well with two comfortable places to sit) my friends—who have been waiting for eight months now for me to finally pull myself together enough to buy a fucking couch—are starting to complain. While they might not agree on an exact number for "how many comfortable places to sit does one person need", it would appear that the number is more than two.

But there is still the problem of my brain's aversion to fiscal irresponsibility and my own aversion to work. Acquiring a couch while keeping everyone happy is not easy task (as evidenced by the fact that I have not managed to do so yet). I have tried to be creative. At first, I planned to buy Katrina "Exercise Nazi" Yellow's couch when she went back to South Africa in October. Good couch, cheaper than new, no shopping AND knowing that I was helping out a friend. Yes, I would have to wait some months for it, but really, what a small price to pay. But then she decided to take her couch back with her to South Africa. So that idea is down. Then another friend asked me if I would be willing to baby-sit a futon couch for a few months. Granted, not a long-term solution, but an excellent delaying tactic. Kayla nixed that idea. "We are grown-ups now, remember? We do real couches. Not futons. Go shopping already!" I did not clarify the matter with her (because I was not sure I wanted to hear her response), but I am pretty sure that WE especially do not do couches which are currently being stored in the foyer of said friend's apartment building, because he does not have room in his apartment.

Finally, this Friday, I had a brilliant idea. I was visiting a friend who not only owns an entire set of couches—but also an apartment. "If I marry him", I thought, "then not only do not have to go shopping for a couch, but I do not have to go shopping for an apartment." On the down side, his couches are not really squishy enough for my taste. But then, marriage is all about compromise, no? And even thinking about the whole apartment buying and apartment renovation process is enough to send me straight into panic attack mode. Like the couch-buying process, just a thousand times worse. Would not the non-squishy couch would be a small price to pay for avoiding that particular little corner of Dante's hell? So I proposed, and he said "no" and I am back at square one again.

You know how they say that you miss your family in times of crisis? Completely true! It is times like this—my time of crisis— that I wish my hyper-organized, perfect sister lived close by. Unlike me, predictably, my sister has the whole home-ownership and home-furnishing routine down pat. If she were here, I would just hand her some money and she would do the Research Couches thing and the Visiting Couch Stores and Used Couches thing and the Making a Sensible Decision Based on the Data thing and the Purchase thing and Transport of Couch thing. And before you know it, there would be a couch in my apartment! And it would be tasteful! And in good condition! Because my sister does not do tacky crap. It would be like magic!

Umm…Mer? Wanna visit?

15 comments:

Katherine said...

have decided to sell you the damn couch just so you stop proposing to random men! then again, it depends. was he good looking?

Jerusalem Artichoke said...

I am far from hyper-organized, but I have always wanted a sister and love to shop for furniture (no, really). Want me to do it?

aliyah06 said...

Hilarious!! My brain is organized the same way yours is organized regarding this stuff--that is, NOT! I have a theory: we have to be super-organized for work (CPA/law) so our brains rebel when called upon to apply yet more organization to the rest of our lives. I feel like my brain goes on strike at times. "NO, I'm NOT thinking about that right now--or ever." .....a la Scarlet O'Hara: I won't think about that today, I'll think about that tomorrow."

I think you should take Jerusalem Artichoke's offer.....such a deal!

Kayla said...

If Kat is not seriouis about selling your her couch or you don't take artichoke up on her offer then YOU and ME are going to Talpiot together and in the space of 4 hours, I assure you that you will have picked out, paid for, and arranged delivery for a new couch. You have until August 9th to sort this out or else I am on your case and I will take no prisoners. Kayla
P.S. I want some snaps for that blog post. If I hadn't nagged you and threatened to start reading other blogs, would you have put it up?

IsraLuv said...

my friend channah is selling her gorgeous brand new couch (L shape) for NS2000 but its in rananna ... want to see pics ?

Shira Salamone said...

"I have a theory: we have to be super-organized for work (CPA/law) so our brains rebel when called upon to apply yet more organization to the rest of our lives." Been there, done that, indirectly--your explanation applies to my CPA husband, as well. :)

Do we get to see photos of the new couch, after Kayla drags you to the store(s), kicking and kvetching?

Gila said...

Glad to know that I am not the only one who is incapable of simple household tasks!

As it stands now--the Artichoke and I are going to start shopping this week. If that fails, will take Kayla up on her offer (or, to be more accurate, Kayla will drag me to Talpiot).

And yes, will post photos.

As for the guy--good looking? Yes, and quite charming. And very nice. And reads my blog. :P

Tzipporah said...

Well, thank goodness it was just couch-buying procrastination. I kept coming here and seeing the title about nude accountants and wondering what had happened to you...

The possibilities were not pretty.

Anonymous said...

As a matter of fact, I think my couch (actually, a sleeper-loveseat) is the only piece of furniture I've ever bought new, at a regular (and non-Ikea) furniture store. I finally caved in and bought the damn thing more or less on impulse, and despite being truly aghast at the price (however comparatively cheap) some months ago after researching, and craigslisting, and checking out website after website as well as a couple better-than-are-available-locally shops in DC. Pretty much everything else I have is from craigslist, quirky antique shops, garage sales, Dad's surplus, or not-excessively-chichi cabinetmakers. I detest "real" furniture stores and rarely like what they have to offer, being absurdly fussy about these things -- so even if I were there, I think I'd have a headache that day. ;)
But good luck!
-mer
PS Oh wait -- correction: desk chair and headboard/mattress are also from "regular" stores.

Sara said...

LOL! I had EXACTLY the same dilemma until last week! I moved, had gotten rid of my new couch, was not motivated to buy a new couch when I had two "comfy" camp chairs. And a friend offered me his old futon!! This is too funny - your paragraph about how many couches one person needs exactly mirrored my thoughts.
BTW, I did get a lovely couch from Target last week and I have to admit it's nice to have a couch again!
Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

If the "Sarah" you are referring to is me, I bought my 2 couches for 1000nis, not 2000nis, to be clear. :P ;)

I also bought a coffee table last night from yad2, yay! I have been doing the login and surf randomly for tables every couple days or weeks for a few months and finally saw "the one" and called and went and saw it all within an hour. The challenge now is getting it to my house. Meni is very good for dealing with creepy crawlies but apparently is not so good at furniture moving as he is worried about driving a kilometer with a table hanging out of his trunk.

I guess given a choice between creepy crawlies that show up multiple times a year even in my pretty bug-free apartment due to my living in the non-holy city of Tel Aviv, and furniture moving which happens once every couple of years, I will choose creepy crawling dealing. I can hire a big beefy russian guy to move furniture but I think the big beefy russian guy might just laugh at me and refuse to show up to deal with creepy crawlies at 9pm on a Sunday night.

To go back to the original topic, I would only recommend buying leather couches second-hand. But I will be very impressed if you buy a real honest-to-goodness new couch. I might even condescend to come see it someday. ;)

faith/emuna said...

couldnt figure out where to just write to you (without commenting on a particular entry)so im writing here, anyway i was curious about why you chose to have a webad for woman in green.

Gila said...

Women in green--I am signed up with webads, and they put whatever they want up there. Sometimes, the ads will include groups with whom I do not agree. Of course, it goes both ways. I put whatever I want on my blog--including expressing views which are pretty strongly opposed to the views held by groups advertising on my blog.

As is the case here.

To put it mildly.

faith/emuna said...

saw this and thought of you

19a. FORSALE - Moving Sale
Posted by: "Nachum Kanovsky" nkanovsky@yahoo.com nkanovsky
Date: Thu Jul 30, 2009 9:43 am ((PDT))

All items appear with pictures craigslist Tel Aviv. See links below.

**** 2 matching leather couches - must go now!
3 seater and 2 seater
Most comfortable leather couches I've ever sat on in Israel.
They are not new, but they look great!
Prices are negotiable and couches can be sold separately.
http://telaviv.craigslist.org/fuo/1295165120.html

2500 shekel for both

**** 1 year old Ikea Poang chair with foot rest
Perfect condition
http://telaviv.craigslist.org/fuo/1295221107.html

600 shekel

**** EW 10670W Electrolux Washing Machine
1 year old washing machine - must go now!
Perfect condition
Excellent washer with:
Front loading
6 kg max load
max rpm speed - 1000
17 washing programs
Dimensions:
width: 60 cm
height: 85 cm
depth: 63 cm
Still under warranty!
http://telaviv.craigslist.org/app/1295252496.html

1400 shekel

Call or email:
Nachum Kanovsky
054 260 0680
nkanovsky@yahoo.com

Nicole said...

Just remember that the title "Will you marry me? No? Fuck..." Is much better than if it had been "Will you marry me? Fuck no!" :-)