Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Hike, Part II of III. Because there is only so much even I can drag this out.

For Part I, see here.

10:15 AM Still on the bus. A part of today’s activities are being run by a life coach. Why a life coach as opposed to, say, a tour guide? Because this is a singles event! And if we are single, it means we are fucked up and in need of fixing. A tour guide is just not qualified to take this on. To translate this into terms the more observant among you will understand, if this were a religious event, we would have a rabbi (bonus points if he is also a shrink), a pious matron and/or a shadchan (matchmaker). And they would give speeches on how you are single because you are showing too many fleshy bits or lack emunah (faith) or bad midot (character traits), which includes being too picky. Also, if this were a religious event, it would not be happening on Shabbat. And if it were a hard-core observant religious event, it would be single sex--either all men or all women. Which raises ALL sorts of interesting questions. But never mind that--religious or secular—a good singles event requires that there are qualified people on hand to give a speech explaining to you why you, personally, are single. Even though they do not know you, personally.

And to think that people are distressed about the religious-secular divide. If this does not show unity of belief, I do not know what does.

What does the Life Coach think is wrong with us? Time will tell….

10:20 One by one, people are being called to the front of the bus to introduce themselves. They are then asked to select a tarot card and say what it means to them. The Life Coach then gives his own interpretation. “This means that you are X and you have to do/ stop doing XYZ”. The problem is that not only is the microphone terrible, but the Life Coach is speaking right into it, so that everything he says and most of what the other people are saying sounds rather like the grown-ups in Peanuts cartoon specials. Really not getting too much out of this particular exercise.

It should be emphasized that the tarot card bit would not happen at a religious singles event. Tarot is SO avodah zarah (witchcraft). No, the rabbi would just LOOK at you and tell you how and why you are fucked up, in his professional opinion. I suppose, in certain circles, he could have you randomly pick a page from a book of letters written by this or that rabbi, with the letter you chose magically miraculously containing the answer to why you are single.

10:30 Ooooo ooooo oooo!!!! They called me! They called me! Well, no. I actually went up to the front of the bus and suggested to the Life Coach that he leave a bit of space between his mouth and the microphone so that things would be a bit less garbled. And since I was there anyway, he called on me. I introduce myself as Gila Weiss, accountant and blogger. See? I am interesting! And I am from Jerusalem. And I have a hearing loss, so if I ask you to repeat yourself twelve times, please be patient. And and and….well, nothing else. Smile.

My tarot card has a rich guy holding a set of scales giving money to one beggar and ignoring another. My interpretation is, admittedly, weak. Ummm…there are scales. And I am a Libra. And there is money. And I am an accountant. Life Coach interpretation: you have and live by a strong sense of justice and think you are always right. But sometimes being right is not an advantage.

Well then. Glad to have that all cleared up. I expect to be married by next Tuesday. No. Living in sin. Marriage involves planning a wedding--which is something I have absolutely no desire to do. And I simply have no time to go to Cyprus this week.

10:45 Hearing aid+ hearing loss + bus full of people=exercise in futility.

Note to self—going forward, singles events that include significant bus time may need to be in the same category as are singles events at bars and loud parties.

11:15 Tour guide tells us about where we are going. I do not hear her. No matter, I will see it soon enough.

11:30 We are Here! Okay. Time to divide my stuff between under the bus and on the bus. Pack my bag. No. Unpack it. Pack it again. Nononono! Unpack it. Pack it again. Fuck it. EVERYTHING under the bus.

11:45 Everyone into the water! Now that we are all out in the open, I am happy to see that my outfit is no weirder than anyone else’s. Because I am, of course, checking out the competition’s clothes. Because that is what one DOES. Wait—should I have worn a bathing suit? No, no….shorts are fine. Thank G-d.

12:00 They have organized us into a circle. There is much splashing going on. Life Coach wants to hold his activity here guide appears to have shot that down. There are many other people here. Normal, married people. And small children. We do not want to frighten them. This might not be the best place. Later on….

12:30 This hike rocks! Cool water, climbing over rocks and a sunny day. Not only is the hike fun in and of itself, but it is also an inspired choice for a singles event. Nothing encourages interaction quite like trying to scramble uphill in running water without falling and bashing your head in on some of the picturesque rocks below. Lots of chatting, encouragement and helping hands. Gal gets full points for this part of the day.

13:15 Am at top of the waterfall, chilling. Oh! Right next to me is the good-looking guy I was eyeing on the bus. Hmmm…how about I try to start up a conversation.

13:16 Shot down. Immediately.

13:17 Yeah. Well. I bet he is terrible in bed.

Not sour grapes. Just an honest, unbiased observation here.

14:00 Back at the bus now. The water hike was loads of fun. Am now changing into my gentle walk hike outfit and have discovered (to my horror) that my extra pair of underwear ended up in my “I do not need this for the hike” bag. Which is in my car. I have no choice but to put my new shorts over drenched underwear. Kind of a faux-explorer-with-an-incontinence-problem look.

G-d has a sense of humor. Who knew?


Teddy said...

Gila..Gila...what am I going to do with you. First of all, Tarot cards, actually originated within Judaism. It is NOT Avodah Zorah, unless it is done with a specific intent of the Ov and Yidoni etc. I do not know who is feeding you this information, but it is wrong. Second of all, the letter in the bible, is a story that dates back atually to the Gaon Mi'Vilna and then Rabbi Aryeh Levine - both of which were personalities that personally, I would be careful about. And to be clear, it can only be done by those with Giluy Eliyahu. For the jokes it may be fine, but the truth is far different, as it usually is.

And yes, it is about time to leave the couches and living room. Finally a sane act no matter how much your stomach is knotted up in a ball.


Kayla said...

Love the part about Cyprus!

Gila said...

Teddy--no one is feeding me this info. I am making it up out of my own head. Or pulling it out of my ass. I would be shocked if anyone took me that seriously.

Regarding the letters--I was thinking more about the practice I saw with Chabadniks that I knew. They would put letters at random into collections of the Rabbi Schneerson's letters, with the landing point (allegedly) providing the answer to whatever question is in the letter. Never heard about doing it with the bible--glad to know that the Chabadniks are actually just as crazy as the rest of Judaism, as opposed to be significantly more crazy.

Kayla--aim to please!

Sarah said...

Gila- G-d does not have a sense of was PUNISHMENT for your evil act of trying to find a guy to live in sin with on a trip on SHABBAT!!! You are SUCH an amateur at figuring these things out!!! ;)

Actually, you should have gone know how they say sexy underwear makes you feel and act sexy...I am sure NO underwear would have done the same, or even better. Or it might have given you some nasty rubbing rash. In any case, you need to show you are willing to suffer far more than being on a noisy bus with a bunch of people you don't know in order to prove you are serious in finding someone!

e.e. said...

Hilarious as usual. But I don't understand the part with the guy "shot down" in one minute.
What happened? (if it's not classified info)

Gila said...

Sarah--aaaaaahhhhhh hishtadlus! And Divine Retribution No why did I not think of all that? Of course--because I did not have the benefit of a Jewish Day School education. The results speak for themselves.


Me: Hi! I am Gila

Him: bored look

Me: What is your name?

Him: Yoni

And then he turned away.

Not classified. Just embarrassing.

........................................... said...

You know Gilles, did have a peek in the Snoopy cartoons on Tuesday, the confrontation with Snoopy kissing Lucy is one of my favourites.

Seen to what you have written about the hike with all it's experts the people on your cycling trips do have more style and dignity.

Tzipporah said...

Yoni is an ass. And you're right. The good-looking guys who are still single at this age are BAD in bed. They were too self-absorbed and arrogant earlier on to learn anything, and now the women are desparate and so they don't even have to try.

Pick an engineer. Or a construction worker. Yeah... ;)

Shira Salamone said...

Concerning Yoni and his ilk, Been there, blogged that. :(

Anonymous said...

Yoni is a loser. You are terrific and I hope you find someone who appreciates you.
big fan

aliyah06 said...

Not only is he terrible in bed, but he has no social skills and is totally into himself so that no one he knows will go out with him, hence he's on this singles hike to find someone who hasn't already heard about how bad he is in bed and how totally selfish he is outside of it.

Tzipporah's right--blue collar. Plumber. Cop. Etc. Much better than Yoni-I'm-All-About-Me...

Mongrel said...

The intentional suggestion of someone who does not live up to all of you babels idea not to be good in bed either is tremendous weak.

What about you babels!?

aliyah06 said...

Ah, a voice from the distaff side...and "Mongrel," your real name would be......Yoni? Hit a nerve, did we? Hee, hee.....

Mongrel said...

Negative, true women do adore me.