Monday, January 3, 2011

All Vows

Hello! Happy January! Do you know January means? January means that it is time for me to start obsessing about what I am going to do for Pesach.

Perhaps you are confused. Perhaps you are saying to yourself “what is Pesach?” “Pesach” is Passover, otherwise known as the time we Jews all go stark raving mad and eat crackers for a week. Or perhaps you are saying to yourself “Nu, I know what Pesach is! And that Pesach is MONTHS away!” Well, yes! Exactly! I have to escape. And to escape I have to buy a ticket. And given that approximately 70% of the country chooses to observe Pesach by fleeing from the country (an act which actually has more in common with our ancestors' flight from Egypt than does sitting on our asses and eating massive amounts of food…but I digress), I have to figure out where the hell I am fleeing to and I have to buy my ticket right now. Because otherwise the only tickets left will be for places like Egypt. And as wonderfully ironic as that destination might be, if local crazies denouncing and attacking one another over religious and racial differences is what I am looking for, I really do not need to travel.

But travel I must because I have to escape. I have to escape because I took an oath to do so last summer, as part of a dating seminar. I took an oath because the seminar people made me. As part of the seminar, in addition to having to close our eyes and listen to happy clappy mantras accompanied by a guitar, we were also required to set a deadline, as in: I will be engaged by XYZ date. My XYZ date was Pesach. I chose Pesach because:

  1. they made me choose a date—they really and truly would not take no for an answer;
  2. at that time Pesach was sufficiently far away that my expecting that engagement could happen was more or less credible and
  3. I absolutely loathe Pesach and thought that getting engaged might make the holiday slightly less odious.
But at the same time, as my friends pointed out, what if I got engaged and/or married some asshole JUST in order to meet that deadline? Now, I know I am going to come across as a snarky and bitter spinster here. But, for fuck's sake--I have made it to 40 without doing anything quite so stupid and deranged as getting married just to meet an arbitrary societal or personal deadline. Is this really a risk factor? But, whatever. To defend myself and the holiday from any potential debilitating weakness of character, I set up two parallel goals. The goals look like this:



(See? Beautifully parallel, no? I did this in excel. Isn’t excel great? I adore excel.)

Anyway, so, here we are, four months before Pesach and I am not dating. This makes the chances that I am going to be engaged by Pesach rather low. So I thought “well, sign up for the Two Oceans Half Marathon and book your ticket for South Africa”. But then I thought “But Gila, you are already registered for the Jerusalem Half Marathon. Do you really want to do another marathon?” And the answer is “well, no, not really". So now I have to find something else to do.

Decisions, decisions....

14 comments:

Ellie said...

First, mazal tov on a long overdue post and what a post it is! Go to california, wasnt that also an option? and in terms of the excel spreadsheet... PLEASE tell me that is a joke that you dont really do that

Leah G said...

Crap! I hate that you aren't engaged and I really wish you will be by then. I think the SA marathon is a great thing to do for a number of reasons which I won't write b/c then it will sound like I"m being patronizing.....

Kayla said...

Glad your blogging!
I think it is OK to cancel one marathon to sign up for another one so long as they are within a few months of each other. (i.e. buy the damn ticket to SA!)
I love that you used Excel to map out your Pesach options.

J.P. said...

The Azores!

Jennifer said...

What the hell were they thinking to make you pick a date to be engaged by? Way to (a) pressure you, and (b) make you feel like crap!

e.e. said...

Gila,
Walking up the stairs is exercise for me so I am a great fan of yours - whether single, engaged, well-intended or married.
Enjoy your marathon(s) and don't stress your status -
from another single woman.
A tip that works for me: don't think about Passover until it comes and you have no choice...
E

Asher said...

and the best of it all is that 6 months have passed since the previous posting, and there are people who check to see what Gila's up to

Asher said...

a bit about running, as that seems to be a) something that interests other commentors and b) something I know a bit about.
It's perfectly fine to plan races one after another. Quite so, it's accepted that the half-marathon at Beit Shean is the test people give themselves before the Tiberias full marathon. It's a gap of three weeks and one day between them, so there's time to do three weekly cycles of effort and recuperation and peak on Marathon day.
Moreover, by doing the half marathon, you ammass data which will help you in the full marathon by setting the planned time and speed, and checking heart beat rate.
In short, go for it.

About the other stuff, married as I am, I don't dare to give advice, except stay clear of happy clappy mantras...

malkah said...

i started worrying about mishloach manot right after chanukah, so when i began to read your post, i thought it was simply the usual "obsess over the next holiday" syndrome that has become such an exciting part of my adult life. now that i know about the seminar oath, i have one question. at the time you said, "bli nedar," right? if you didn't, i am declaring a halachically-binding retroactive "bli nedar" on your behalf.

Asher said...

Hi Malkah
but the seminar was b4 yom kippur, no?

alicely said...

How awesome is that little graphic! And to think that some people still don't understand why I love Excel!

Tzipporah said...

kayak has an awesome flight picker. I played around with it for a while before realizing that, really, I couldn't escape my family for under $100, so really, what was the point?

Enjoy.

http://www.kayak.com/explore/#/TLV?

Tzipporah said...

For example, Kayak says that in Spring 2011 you can fly all the way from Tel Aviv to Portland, OR for about $1,000 (US).

Which is only an hour away from my still-single (Jewish!) brother-in-law. He's cute, he's funny, he's 6'2"... ok, he's also a band geek, but he's over 30 and I want you in my family!

That way I'll have someone to sit and snark with at the seder. Please?

Gila said...

Actually, while I have not yet booked my ticket, I have selected my destination: Holland! Full of nice, flat biking and (reportedly) lots of excellent yarn and cloth stores. :)

No running. Screw the running. At this point, I am not even training for the Jlem marathon. My friend Nat and I have decided we are giving up on the running part and instead are just going to walk the whole damn thing and cackle. Works for me.