Monday, January 2, 2012

Turkey Basters and Progeny

I cannot speak for other countries, but here in Israel, it has become much more common and acceptable for a woman to decide to go ahead and have a child alone. I do not want to exaggerate; we are not talking huge numbers. It is not as though every other woman who hits 38 and has not yet gotten married immediately runs out to buy donor sperm and a turkey baster. First, most of us continue to be optimistic for several years past our 38th birthday and second, there is no need to buy the turkey baster because while one will need to buy the sperm (confirmed with single motherhood guru Ellie), the actual process of creating a baby from such sperm is covered by the national health service.

You know, now that I think of it, this might explain why, despite the increase in single mothers, I am still having a hell of a time finding a new turkey baster to replace the old and decrepit one I have now. I mean, in theory you would think that there would be an increase in demand and a corresponding increase in supply but since the insemination process is covered, the increase in single mothers has no impact at all on the turkey baster market. Which, in turn raises an obvious question: Gila, since you are now officially several years past your 38h birthday AND since you are looking to buy a new turkey baster, does this mean that you are planning on having a child on your own?

Which brings me to the actual subject of this post: things that are, one day, going to make me go postal. Here is my list of such things.

• People asking me if I have ever tried (or even heard of) internet dating.
• People asking me if I am going to have a child on my own.

If you ever pick up a newspaper and see a screaming headline about an accountant who totally lost it and brained a co-worker with the office coffee machine, you will know immediately that it was me and that said co-worker started to tell me about his neighbor’s cousin’s friend’s daughter who either 1) met someone on the internet and got married or 2) had a child on her own or 3) some variation thereof, like, say, she met someone on the internet and borrowed his sperm and turkey baster to have a child on her own. Because now that internet dating is ubiquitous and single motherhood has become more mainstream, everyone and his grandmother is falling over themselves to introduce me to the concepts.

I tell you, it is just a matter of time before that coffee maker flies. And it will be a crying shame because we waited so long, YEARS, for a proper coffee maker. And if I destroy this one, there is no way that the CEO is going to approve a replacement. But then, I have a french press in my office, so I do not really care, do I? Be warned, dear co-workers, be warned!

Right, so I am not going to get into the internet dating issue because that is its own, little, shrieking post. Let’s stick with the babies, shall we? And so, the answer is no, I do not want to have a child on my own. And yes, I am aware that 1) my biological clock is ticking (because I am not an idiot) and 2) I am over 40 (ditto) and 3) the cop who gave your sister-in-law a speeding ticket has a friend who had children on her own and is blissfully happy. Yes! I know everything! And no, I have nothing against single motherhood! I am totally cool with the concept. For other people. The turkey baster is for chicken. Totally innocent.

Rant over….

21 comments:

J.P. said...

What is a turkey baster?

Anonymous said...

@JP -- http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&cp=10&gs_id=14&xhr=t&q=turkey+baster&tok=hBzTRiWUq-BF5u2tcgtZTA&gs_upl=&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&biw=1024&bih=690&wrapid=tljp1325621591132018&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=11632377110163999233&sa=X&ei=DGMDT4B76N7RAf_j9bkC&sqi=2&ved=0CEsQ8wIwAQ#

Anonymous said...

Please, Gila, tell us how you really feel...

I'm thinking that I'm one of those people that needs to duck the flying coffee maker, but I still feel that if you had babies they would be cute and smart which is good for the Jewish/Israeli gene pool. But, if you don't want to get intimate with Sperm Donor #1234, I understand.

Anonymous said...

Oh, sorry, I forgot the requested profanity. Here it is ~!@#$. - Shari

PJ said...

Turkey baster?? WTH??

You're still a young woman (yes, 38-ish is still young), right? Go pick out a single man, get him drunk and tell him you want you have his babies??

It's a tried-and-true plan of action for literally thousands of American trailer park queens... what could possibly go wrong?

PJ said...

Damn... my "/joking" tag was dropped by blogger!

Asher said...

I thought a turkey baster was the name of a profession as in "so what do you do for a living?" "I baste turkeys"

Tzipporah said...

No. A turkey baster is an abomination.

If you are not properly brining your birds before cooking, then you might need one. But wait - you're in Israel, they're all pre-brined. WTF do you need a baster for?? If you baste the bird, the skin will get soggy instead of nice and crispy, although I do have one recipe where you're doing a fancy lime/cilantro/garlic sauce and need to baste once or twice - but covering a bird with aluminum foil is a much better way to keep it moist.

OK, now I need to see the recipe you're using.

Wait, was this post really about babies? Don't baste them, either. It makes them slippery and easier to drop. I know they bounce well, being soft and squishy, but it's really better to keep a firm grip on them. Makes their mothers less anxious.

Asher said...

PJ said...



Go pick out a single man, get him drunk .....

... what could possibly go wrong?

what could go wrong you ask
being drunk usually means an inabilty to deliver the goods, that's what

however the good news is that your presumed assumption that one would need to be drunk to do the requisite deed and deliver said goods is a misassumption (should that be a Ms.assumption?)

Asher said...

or a Ms.conception?

e.e. said...

I like being an aunt. Can't do the mother thing - it's above my capabilities. At least I'm honest.
Chilbirth is definitely not a must, Gila.

Philo said...

Reminds me of when I get advice on how to lose weight. Like "drink water instead of soda". Dude, I haven't had soda in YEARS. Or people who try to tell me about a new thing called Atkins. (Which can lead to major health issues, BTW)

Asher said...

can we have a new post please?

(nothing wrong with the present one of xourse)

Asher said...

cy the way - PJ are you related to J.P.?

ProphetJoe said...

Write another post please... or email me. Interested in your situation and want to hear more, if that would help.

AliasJoe said...

Come on, Gila, post some more!

You appear to be a witty, smart, single professional woman who has a unique viewpoint of Israel and the rest of the world. We want more!!

Anonymous said...

I like how Shari signed in as Anonymous and then signed her name.

AliasJoe said...

Not even a Purim post.... really? Come on, the public wants more Gila.

Gila, Gila, Gila...


AliasJoe
(formerly ProphetJoe)

e.e. said...

Today I babysat my two little nephews. They are adorable!! But I realise that being an aunt is my limit. Gila, you are right not to cave in to pressure, as I wrote before.

Anonymous said...

It's been 5 months since your last entry. I assume you've been too busy to write. So, are you married and pregnant?

Tzipporah said...

GIIIIIIILLLLLLAAAAAAAAA!!!

(Pretend it sounds like Marlon Brando yelling "Stella!" in Streetcar Named Desire.)

Seriously, dude, where are you? Did a giant featherless Israeli chicken peck you to death? Come back!