Thursday, February 21, 2008

Another non-sequitor

Last night, I had a nightmare. I dreamed about my biological clock. And how it is ticking away. And running out. And my father, who in real life says virtually nothing on the whole subject of me/children/husband/lack of both…apart from to assure me (when I asked) that he would completely support my decision if I decided to have a child solo, was telling me that I can probably have one kid at this point. Maybe. If I am lucky. And he was doing it in a really, really nasty way.

Now THAT is f*cking traumatic. I woke up convinced that I had to go have a child on my own RIGHT NOW. Like TODAY.

I do so need a Valium.

Give me a week to fully recover from Valentines Day and I should be just fine.

We will now return to our regularly scheduled bombing.


Anonymous said...

Come to my apartment for Shabbat, and that will break you of your desire to have children...I promise ;)

Ye'he Sh'mey Raba Mevorach said...

She came to MY house and it didn't seem to scare her...


orieyenta said...

I came right over here to offer to lend you Little Orieyenta while we are in Israel. That would surely cure you of your need for a child. She's darn cute but she can talk your head off! However...I see that there are many offers on the table already. But, you know the offer is always here :)

Ahuva said...

I'm so sorry.. Maybe there's something in the virtual air. Recently, I've started toying with the idea of freezing my eggs.

Leah Goodman said...


Jack Steiner said...

See, more proof that Valentine's Day is designed to make people feel badly.

mother in israel said...

Well, here's some BTDT advice. Take it or leave it.

Gila said...


Mother in Israel, I know you do mean well, but what makes you assume that the issue is my pickiness? Did it even cross your mind that maybe, just maybe, I might be single because G-d wills it, in the same way that He willed that I would go through the bombing and have cancer?

You do not know me personally, but a fair number of the readers of this blog do. They can attest that my current status is not due to my capriously throwing away potential husbands as "not perfect enough". I will not elaborate further because, if I do, one said friend (Kayla) will kill me. :)

In any event, this is such a sensitive and painful area for single women, and in particular older singles--please be more careful in the future before you jump to any conclusions as to the "why".

mother in israel said...

Gila, I'm so sorry. Of course I don't know you. I actually thought the part about the difficulty of having a baby alone was the relevant part of the interview and had no intention of implying that you were picky. I had just read the article and didn't think. You have been through a lot and I did not mean to cause you additional pain. I'm running out now.

Ahuva said...

Gila, *hugs*. She didn't mean it that way. And no one in their right mind would ever say that the "problem" is that you're too picky.

We want to believe that everything can be controlled. One of the reason your blog is so fascinating is the way you draw the lines between what can be controlled and what can't-- and how you handle the things you can't control.

I like to wonder sometimes if my problem is that maybe I'm too picky. I want that to be the problem-- because that's something I can change/fix.

TeacherLady said...

Gila, I must confess that I loved going through pregnancy, but then adoption was always a thought bouncing around in my mind, as well as my husband's. So many lost little souls looking for other lost souls to create a new family. I'm guessing you've thought about it too... Whatever you decide or whatever fate decides to hand you, good luck!

Lirun said...

everyone is dreaming these days.. very meshigi..

Anonymous said...

First, I just have to say what a wonderful blog this is.

I hope you won't mind my offering my $0.02 on your baby dream. FWIW.

Regarding the baby thing, don't be too alarmed. We humans are programmed to want to pass our DNA along. It is a normal biological urge you are experiencing. We Jews are so in bred that we can relax about our DNA. It is already passed along in the tribe.

Now, if you are really desiring having little hands to hold, go borrow your friends' kids. Seriously. Become their special "Aunt." Take the kids out on playdates and have real quality time. It will be wonderful because you will be able to give them your undivided attention (a real luxury when your a parent) and then you get to return them when you are tired. IMHO, children cannot have too many interested, caring adults in their lives. The kids will love and adore you forever. And you will be raised to the status of goddess - if you aren't already - in the eyes of your friends.

I write this as the parent of the two most wonderful children in the world. I had them with a wonderful and helpful husband and under great economic circumstances. I found it to be the most difficult and demanding thing I have ever done. I cannot imagine how someone can do it on their own.

Gila said...

Having a kid on my own.... I had thought about it quite seriously. As of now, I have decided not to. There are several reasons (won't go into them here), none of which are "it is too hard". Yes, I am sure that it is incredibly difficult. But lots of things are difficult. The question is whether or not it is worth it. To me, were I to decide to do so, raising a child solo would be worth it.

I should also point out that I have a very good profession/ salary etc. There are many women out there raising kids alone with far fewer advantages than I have. Hell, there are complete families here in Israel making do (and doing okay) with less than I make.

That being said, I completely understand those who decide not to have a child solo, because of the difficulties involved.

As for other people's kids.... I am actually not (as my friend would put it) that baby hungry--probably why the dream freaked me out as much as it did. I do love children, but if I were at the point where I was so desperate for their company that I had to use my friend's kids as surrogates, I would probably just have a child solo. As it is, I really don't have too much of a problem with just using Henrietta Szold as my role model and having other types of kids--volunteer work, charity, writing etc (blog is part of that).

Safranit and Ye'he--this does not mean I am not perfectly happy to spend quality time with your little monsters. :)

For many years I wanted to have six kids, in no small part due to the whole demographic and intermarriage crisis. I think at some point I turned a mental corner and said "not gonna happen" and just decided to stop whining and start doing. There is more than one way to address this. Some people have a zillion kids. I will do something else, if need be.

Whether this means I am a cold-hearted snake...hmmm perhaps!

What I miss is really the whole family package. The whole being single thing hurts a great deal, though at times I am at peace with it.

Though I do tend to be hyper-sensitive. My apologies to Mother In Israel for jumping down her throat!

And thanks to everyone for their kind thoughts.

orieyenta said...

Your point that being single hurts sometimes is something I am familiar with. (However, I have to say that it is a whole lot better than being in a bad marriage.) Before I met my fiance I remember sitting in my Rabbi's office crying that I was going to be alone my whole life and that I would never have the whole family thing I was longing for. He assured me that it would happen if it was meant to happen. He followed this by telling me that we could always go daven at the Kever of Rabbi Yonatan Ben Uziel if I really felt the need. We never made that trip but a month later I met my fiance.

And adoption is a wonderful choice - LO is living proof of that. I know at this point you don't want to do the whole single parenting thing and let me tell you from experience that it is very hard work but so very rewarding. As much as I make fun of the challenges of raising LO, she is most certainly the greatest gift that a mother could ever ask for.

Shabbat Shalom.

Baila said...

"...I might be single because G-d wills it, in the same way that He willed that I would go through the bombing and have cancer?"

Gila, did you have cancer????

Listen, I have friends that are single and have thought about going the solo mom route, and so far noone has done you say, for many different reasons. But if anyone can do it, you can....if you want to.