Friday, February 6, 2009

This week, I went to a wedding. I loathe weddings. In addition to weddings being really rough on diets--Roxie hates weddings almost as much as she hates weekends--and being bad places for the hearing impaired, weddings cause me to go slightly insane. I arrive at the wedding normal enough but within a short period of time I am halfway to suicidal.

This wedding was no exception and the depression hit hard. As I do at nearly all weddings, I started calling up all of my friends, from the huppa (wedding ceremony) to cry to them that I am old and decrepit and single and that I am never going to have sex again. Since my more savvy friends have learned to avoid my phone calls at these times, I had taken the precaution of not telling anyone in advance that I was going to a wedding. There you were, Friend, minding your own business, and all of a sudden the phone rang and it was me, calling from a wedding and generally a sodden mess (though a sober one--G-d forbid that this particular mess include any alcohol because I drove and the wedding was in the middle of nowhere and because I have no head for alchohol), tearfully asking you to please say something to cheer me up. At times like this, I ask you to remember one thing: my kick-ass oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe. Oh—and another thing. If in the past, apart from agreeing with me that G-d is an inconsiderate bastard, there was nothing to say, this week Kayla finally found that elusive Something To Say. When I called her to whine, she responded with two words: "blog material". Genius! The rest of the evening I was happily occupied with hounding my fellow guests to help me come up with stuff I could put on my blog. Unfortunately, apart from the guy with the unnaturally small head (looked rather like Beatlejuice after his encounter with the witch doctor) there was nothing to write about. But no matter. Maybe the next wedding I go to will be chock-full of entertaining disasters.

As fun as that might be, avoiding the wedding is still preferable. Indeed, in the best interests of my sanity and that of my friends, I avoid weddings whenever possible. To clarify, this does not preclude me from being offended when I am not invited to a wedding that I feel that I should have been invited to. Suppose, for example, we are not friends and have never even had a proper conversation but we do have many friends in common and are part of the same "circle". Or I am friendly with the bride, who knows how much I hate gong to weddings because I have called her up in the past to enlist her advice regarding how to get out of going to a wedding of a mutual friend. Or perhaps I invited the bride or the groom to one of my mass-invite fundraising parties. Or perhaps they had me over for a meal over the hagim, because I was staying with yet another mutual friend and the mutual friend asked if she could bring me. Or maybe three years ago I had the groom over for a dinner at my house--an bona fide invitation-- at which time I discovered he was an obnoxious twit and I hated him and never invited him again. Or something like that. You must agree with me--in such circumstances, do I not deserve to receive an invitation to decline? Scandalous!

But sometimes I get an invitation and (like this week) cannot safely decline it. The deleterious effects of weddings linger long after the event itself. Take this week, for instance. In the last two days, I have signed up for four (4) dating sites: Jdate, SawYouAtSinai, Dosidate and Look4Love. This can only end badly. Either no one will contact me, and I will be depressed because no one contacted me and that means I am ugly and pathetic and the dateless wonder or someone WILL contact me and I will have to go out on a blind date. I hate blind dates as much as I hate weddings.

Why, why WHY do I do this to myself?

Whatever. I have done this to myself. And I need your help. I need to choose my SawYouAtSinai Shadchanim (matchmakers) and I am looking for recommendations—in both directions. What better place to start looking than on my blog? As an incentive, allow me to remind you that blind dates are frequently a source of good blog material. That means fun for me and (hopefully) fun for you. Remember that Shabbat dinner when my friend tried to set me up? Wasn't that fun? Yes? Good. Now, I realize that self-interest demands that you hook me up with really horrible matchmakers, in order to guarantee entertaining blog posts. Allow me to assure you that there is no need for that. I have already gone the Rogue Shadchan Route and I have a respectable collection of blind-dates-from-hell. (To summarize—it appears that many shadchanim believe that a poor sad heroic victim of terror is damaged goods, and is properly matched with the unemployed, the hopeless, the mentally ill and men with comb-overs. So yeah, I have material.)

Hmmmm….maybe I should have you guys help me write my dating site profile?


Anonymous said...

After that busty facebook picture, I can't see how you can keep men away from you... ;)

I know the picture was supposed to be about haircolor...

Anyway, I don't have any dating suggestions..just an "avoid" suggestion. :)

Men are scared of strong is just something you'll have to deal with. It isn't anything about your looks, it is just that you are independent and guys want to think you are weak.

(My theory of course)

TeacherLady said...

I'm sorry I'm too far away to help out... I've got some fabulous single friends here, but obviously the long distance thing wouldn't be a plus.
I met my man on the Internet (I signed his guestbook and things just went on from there), so it does happen. One of my colleagues met his fiance through and they're very happy... My sister-in-law met her husband through one of those speed dating things! Makes for a great story...
Anyway, I wish you loads of luck!

Tzipporah said...

Hmm, change "Men" in Safranit's comment to "Israeli Men" and she's got it right.

Wish I could help - don't know any Israelis right now who'd be suitable (just lots of frum bloggers out in the West Bank - probably not your type). ;)

But I'm always happy to serve as a reference or editor for your profiles!

Hmm, and DovBear really liked your stick-it-to-the-PR speech at the bloggers' convention, I'm sure he'd help pimp you out.

Good luck!

If it's any consolation, my supervisor is getting married next weekend, which we NEVER thought would happen. She's over 50.

Unknown said...

I can't speak for matchmaking, but if it's any consolation, I'll probably be a big ol' mess at my cousin's wedding. My YOUNGER cousin's wedding. She met her fiance at age 18. Yeah, that gives you something to cry about...

Actually, I dread the bridal shower even worse.

So you're not alone in that.

Anonymous said...

You could go to Eilat and marry a dolphin.

Heiratskandidat:"Sie, das geht zu weit! Das Mädchen, das Sie mir offerieren, hat ja ein Kind!"
Schadchen:"Sie betrachten das nicht vom richtigen Standpunkt aus. Haben Sie eine Ahnung, was eine Geburt für Umtriebe, Unkosten und Aufregungen verursacht! Und sehen Sie: hier haben Sie doch eine fertige Sache!"

Marni said...

Just curious, do you try dating divorced or widowed men?

I would assume that men around the age of 40 who have never married are either highly dysfunctional in some way, commitmentphobes, or have ridiculous expectations and are holding out for the 20 year old woman of their dreams.

I know it might seem daunting to date a guy who might already have kids, but at least he might be semi-normal, you know he can commit, and if things work out, instant family!

Viennetian said...

Im in the same boat with you! I have a wedding to attend this summer - its my cousins daughters wedding - which means next generation! And its supposed to be a 3 days event - no chance to leave after a couple of hours. Im so not ready for this.

Anonymous said...

For a bucket of herring a week I'd give it a shot!

Baila said...

If I played for the other team, I'd marry you, or at least date you....

My sister-in-law, who is like you, a strong, attractive, smart, woman who makes a very nice living, just met someone through an internet dating site (she also lives here), met someone and is very happy.
I hope it happens for you as well.

Ahuva said...

(hugs) You are fascinating, intelligent, fun, hilariously clever... You just need to go into a blind date expecting them to like you (because you're a very likable person) and not get so anxious. Are you considering putting a link to your blog in your dating profile? It would show the guys how interesting, funny, and intelligent you are before they meet you.

Anonymous said...

Are you a חוזרת בתשובה?
If you are, then of course matchmakers would set you up only with others who are too, and that limits your scope.

Anonymous said...

I salute your courage in entering the internet dating jungle.

Not sure what I would have done had it been around when I was in my mid-thirties and looking.

Generalities are true but there are always exceptions. I married a never before married late 30's guys who didn't want to think I was weak. Ok, not an Israeli.

You only need one.

Good luck

Anonymous said...

Mid-thirtysomething single Jewish female looking for Jewish male for close friendship or more.

You: sense of humor, zest for life, physically active, reasonably hirsute, vocationally successful, ambitious, well read, cleans up nice.

Me: raven haired, buxom, eyes you could drown in, irreverent, wicked sense of humor, American oleh but Hebrew-fluent, not religious but respectful, math whiz but right-brained too, enjoys biking and writing, centrist-left politically. Cries at weddings.

Anonymous said...

Holy mackerel, there goes my bucket.....................