Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Hike, Part I of a indeterminate number


Today, I spent two hours at the mall searching for functional yet attractive hiking gear. Several hundred shekels later, I am sorted. I then proceed home, where my next task is to design my outfit. Which t-shirt to pair with the shorts for the water hike? Maybe my shirt from the Alyn bike ride? So people will think I am sporty? Oh…but that shirt is so baggy! Not flattering at all! No, no. It has to be closer fitting…. Perhaps I should go sleeveless? No—am sure to get burned to a crisp if I do. And besides, my upper arms are still on the flabby side. And what hat? Or perhaps I should wear one of my sports bandanas?

I finally come up with two outfits, one for the water hike and one for the gentle walk hike. For the water hike I am going to wear knit, bermuda-length red shorts, a close-fitting, cut up t-shirt from Croatia and a sports bandanna. For the gentle walk hike, I am going to wear tan, long shorts (? is that the technical term here) from Golf, paired with a fitted blue t-shirt and a straw hat from Eddie Bauer. Kind of a faux-explorer type look, you know?

Am I the only one who ended up spending THREE HOURS sorting out outfits for a one-day hike? With people I do not even fucking know? Please tell me that I am not.

At least I did not bring makeup.


07:15 AM Just realized that even though I brought my MP3 player and the USB charger and the thingy so I could use the USB charger with a normal outlet (which does not seem to work, but brought, just in case it MIGHT work) AND I even charged the MP3 player off of Ellie’s computer, yesterday…I did not bring the headphones. Not a good sign, this.

7:40 AM I have dumped my extra stuff in my car and am walking to the pick-up point. I planned on buying coffee en route but…WTF? Café Café is not open yet? Café Henrietta is not open yet? Café Hillel went kosher and is closed for Shabbat??? Hello!!! Tel Aviv! עיר ללא הפסקה (a city that never stops) my ass. If you guys want to compare yourself to Manhattan, or even DC—first things first—coffee houses open at six. If not earlier. EVERY day.

This tiyul had better include coffee breaks, or I am going to die.

8:00 AM Found the bus. Getting on feels rather like the first day at a new school. But worse. Everyone was giving me the once over. The women appear to be particularly hostile. This is a serious business, I see.

But good news! I am not the grandma! I am also not the fattest.

08:15 AM Gal, the trip organizer, is making announcements. There will be a coffee stop. Thank G-d.

Decision. If anyone asks why I am writing, I will introduce myself as a blogger.

And then everyone will think I am cool.

08:25 AM Break out the book? Hmmm…what would friends say? Right. Book stays in bag.

08:40 AM Every few minutes, we hit another collection point. The bus is slowly but surely filling up. Have had one conversation. Erez, a friendly guy from Petach Tikvah.

08:45 AM Just passed a wall with coffee cups painted on it. G-d is taunting me. Bastard.

09:15 AM Another woman, Liya, has joined my and Erez’s conversation. We are discussing internet dating.


Courtesy of Liya

האם את ספונטנית? Are you spontaneous?

I always thought that this question—which I get now and again from guys off of dating websites—is a sign of laziness. A sign of a guy who cannot pull himself together and cannot manage a schedule enough to manage calling one up in advance and setting a proper date. Asking ‘are you spontaneous’ is his way of finding out whether or not you are the type that is accommodating of such character traits. Which I am not. At all.

Liya set me straight.

Liya: No, no—‘are you spontaneous’ has nothing to do with spontaneity. What it means is ‘do you want to meet for sex right now?’

Me: But… I thought ‘do you want a cup of coffee’ means ‘do you want to meet for sex right now’.

Liya: It does. But so does ‘are you spontaneous’.

Erez confirms Liya’s translation. Wow. Who knew? Well, apparently, Liya. And most likely everyone else on the planet but me. No wonder I get so little action.

09:45 AM Stopped at ArcCafé. One humongous coffee and a Roxie-friendly salad later, and I am ready to roll. At Liya’s suggestion, I also buy a sandwich. Because while I remembered to bring: water, sunscreen, a hat, water shoes, a change of clothes, my MP3 player, a notebook, a pen, an extra pen in case the first dies, another extra pen in case the first two die, Sarah’s camera, a book, extra glasses in case something happens to the pair I am wearing and earplugs…I forgot to bring lunch.


singlehood to motherhood said...

BARUR!!!!!!!!!! Yes r u spontanit is totally code(?!) for lets hook up now and f---
lets meet for coffee does NOT mean lets f--- it means lets talk for 5 minutes first to see if I want to f-- U and THEN lets f---
Hope I clarified

Gila said...

Knew I could count on you, Ellush!

All those Manolos--I mean, you have to know SOMETHING! :)

Baila said...

Looking forward to part 2.

Mia said...

Good thing you forgot the headphones. You don't take an MP to a place you want meet people, That's worse than a book.

I 2nd Ellie on the coding.

That trip actually sounds like fun.

........................................ said...

Our manager and secretary invited themselves to visit my place to have coffee, you tell me these two blondes do come here to have sex?

e.e. said...

Hehe, Gila it sound like you went on safari with all that preparation and equipment!
I'm sure that Part 2 will be just as amusing and illuminating, and it sure beats cleaning...

Sarah said...

OMG!!!!! I NEVER EVER knew that spontaneous thing! I canNOT believe it. Geez. I think we need some clarification here as I am afraid that if there are 2 phrases that means "I will have sex with people I don't know" there may be more and probably that is bad if you say you are open to that when you are not. I am such shock!! I guess we all learned something from your hike and just the first hour of it Gila! I am waiting for the rest of the day's description!

Mia said...

I think you can figure that in that environment about 85% of what men will say to you is to determine if you are willing to have sex with them and when.
Especially if it's someone who wants to have sex with you.
It's your role to maneuver the conversation so that he understands that either there is a chance for that but later or no chance get lost.

Tzipporah said...

This blog never fails to be educational. Here, in one post, I've learned about:
a) the dangers of over-preparation
b) internet dating speak
c) the faux-sophistication of Tel Aviv
d) the cruel humor of which G-d is capable

Wow. :)

Heather said...

Bwahaha! You are hilarious and my new favorite blog! Especially the post about Tel Aviv - the bars stay open until four, then the coffeehouses DON'T open at six? WTF?!

Stop by and say hello! . :)

Commenter Abbi said...

Sounds like you have a great opening scene for a kooky romantic comedy.

Can't wait for the second part!

aliyah06 said...

Ok, I split a gut laughing last week...NOW, where's Part II?

I also learned something...I'm too old for anyone to try Hebrew slang out on me....and my Hebrew still is awful...this is starting to look like a good thing...

Don't keep us in suspense!

..................................... said...

.........,and that's the way it is.