Friday, July 1, 2011

Why I Should Probably Stop Watching CSI

Some people should not date. Some people have brains which are so convoluted that they should just be consigned to a lifetime of solitary living with a passel of cats or, at the most, matched up with someone at random and told “Voila! You are married”. They and their brains not have to undergo the agony which is dating. More importantly others should not have to undergo the agony that is dating them.

Some people would be me. And if it weren’t for the fact that 1) I have a severe allergy to cats 2) calf-length skirts and those high-collared shirts look really horrible on me and 3) Shabbat observance would mean I would NEVER get my sewing class homework done, I would totally go the cat or Haredi route.

(You know, now that I think about it, I am kind of wondering if “some people” could be expanded to “accountants and others of a suspicious nature”. I mean, I have never done a survey. Maybe I should! And then I can publish it and make lots of passive income! I am thinking about passive income because I am taking a personal finance course and the instructor told us that we should focus on passive income as a way of increasing our total income. Except—and I could be wrong on this point—I strongly suspect that there is not a particularly large market for surveys dealing with the mating habits of accountants and others of a suspicious nature. Never mind then. Back to the post.)

Right, so here is the problem. I mean, the first date, I am fine. I mean, I do not know the guy and the date will probably suck and we will probably despise each other and then (please G-d) never see each other again so what is there to worry about? And normally the first date meets or even exceeds all expectations so there is no second date so that is fine as well. But sometimes, on rare occasions, I have a second date. And my poor, demented little brain goes bonkers. It spends virtually every second between date one and date two frantically careening between extremes. One moment it is planning the wedding and the next it is imagining a scene out of CSI (which, incidentally, I watch far too much of) in which a bunch of crime lab specialists crack jokes over my battered corpse which has been abandoned in the woods. And then we are cooing over our first child! And then WHAM smack over to the other side of the brain in which he turns out to be a pathological liar! Or abusive! Or unfaithful! Or a cad! Or a con man who is going to abscond with all of my savings! Granted, seeing how no one wants my survey the sums will be paltry, but still.

Exhausting does not begin to describe it. If he is someone in my circle (read “an Anglo” because if you are Anglo and you are in Israel, my friends and I can find someone who knows you) the situation is not so bad. Make a few phone calls and it is easy to confirm that the suitor is who is says he is, has the job he says he has and is not possessed of criminal tendencies. But without that—utter mental exhaustion.

Last week, for instance, I went on a first date on a Sunday. We decided to go on a second date. That was scheduled for Friday night. That means I had five whole days for my brain to completely go to town. By Friday I had managed to freak myself out to the point that I deposited a piece of paper with my date’s name and phone numbers with my friend Galia. If I turn up in a ditch somewhere, I told her, this is where to send the police. Her response was along the lines of “no problem, but if you manage to get yourself killed on Shabbat, be aware that I am not going to do anything until Motzei Shabbat”. Hey, that is cool. Motzei Shabbat is soon enough. I mean, the system worked out fine with the bombing—no reason to assume that it would not be sufficient here. And, hey, I would be dead, so what would be the rush?

I know, I know. Deranged. Sigh….. Hmmmm....maybe this is why I am not married?


cendrelle said...

It's not just you, sweetie; most women start planning the wedding after the second date. This is why the book "The Rules" was written, to give ladies advice about planning some distractions so they don't become too intense. Frum and Chasidic girls also fall into the pattern and cat owners, also. It's less likely you will obsess over "him" if you are a member of Young Republicans,Young Democrats, Greenpeace, a book club, circuit train at the gym, organize a suit drive for Dress for Success and invite your teenage cousins to a movie and make your own sundae buffet. So distract yourself already.

Gayle said...

Please post so we know you are alive.

Tzipporah said...

Don't any of these Anglos read your blog? I can't believe someone hasn't already fallen for you through it. You're charming enough in writing, perhaps they'll excuse any face-to-face awkwardness. :)

cba said...

So how did that second date go?

Oh, and Gayle, I just saw her online in Google Chat so I'm pretty sure she's alive. But I still think it would be courteous of her to respond to you :)

J.P. said...

Isn't there anything else in the world to worry about?

ProphetJoe said...

OK, Gila, it's been a while since I checked your blog because, well, you know... you don't write much anymore! So, anyhoo... I come and I see 3 posts I haven't read! Wow! She's started writing again -- how wonderful, I think to myself. Then I read the post (in chronological order because that's the only way to do it!). The Alyn charity bike ride -- obviously just a ruse to see if we're still here. Then the fish tank post. They were cute -- obviously you needed to post your latest excel artwork -- I completely understand.

But now we hear of a first date followed by a second date and NOTHING since... nothing since July 1st!! Come on! This is as bad as my job search. I interviewed with a company on June 7th and was told they wanted to get the position filled by July 18th. Nothing... Finally, on July 1st, the nice human resource woman emails me to tell me that the process is taking longer than expected to please be patient. I've emailed an acquaintance who works for the company and she says the position has not been filled and she'll find out what's going on and let me know. That was 2 weeks ago. The suspense is killing me!! Now, I get a post about a second date and NO FOLLOW-UP?? Is G-d toying with me? Oy Vey...

Well, let's hope the silence is because you're busy planning the wedding and not because you're, you know... in a ditch! Write soon!

Becky said...

HAHAHA!! I loved reading your posts! I went through and read all of them, one after another. It was so funny to see things that you had written about following discussions at Shabbas dinners. It made me feel like an 'insider' to the blogs. :)

Gila said...

Am not in a ditch--just trapped under a pile of work. But will write more soon--thanks for the nudge!

Becky--ALL of them? Should I assume that this is avoidance of, say, ulpan homework? ;P

ProphetJoe said...

OK, I didn't get the job (their loss!!) so now I need to know how the second date went... well, I still need to find another job, but that can wait a day or two.

Write... please!

Anonymous said...

Dear Gila,

I stumbled across your blog and it's wonderful. Your writing's wonderful.

I always wondered about the suicide bombings in Israel in a kind of sick way and it's how I imagined them ... yes and no.

I check every day to see if you've updated. Please write.

Miki, f, Australia